Yesterday - Today


Empathy, After All

13:40, 27 May 2003

He called this morning. I did not answer. I watched it ring and ring and decided that I wanted to hear what kind of message he would leave. It was a very OK message. He got back to LA at 5am and was calling me at 10am, on his way back from dropping Dipank at LAX. His mother leaves this evening. He said he hoped I'd had a great weekend. Although my indignance remains, I do, honestly, feel bad for the kid. What a tiring weekend he has had. All that family, all that nonstop activity, all that driving. When one is on such a trip, there is no place for relaxation. It has to be fun fun fun, entertain entertain entertain every second of the day. He must be exhausted.

I still don't think that's a reason to not even take ten seconds to text me, but I don't feel like I can say anything to him because I know it wasn't as if he was ignoring me. Cybele emailed me some advice, stressing how loyal Indian boys are to their mothers (meaning his attention was probably 100% focused on her, any extra siphoned off by entertaining hard-to-please party-guy Dipank). She said her guy never called either when he was with his family. I suppose it makes me feel better to know there's a cultural aspect and to know that he has been superbusy and, most likely, superstressed under a calm, I'm-having-fun exterior. It is a funny mix of empathy and anger that I feel towards the Situation.

I have not returned his phone call yet. I needed to mull over how I was going to comport myself when I spoke to him. It would be very easy to have the defensive, sarcastic, angry attitude I let loose in last night's entry, but I don't think that's an intelligent, fair or productive way to handle the situation. I already told myself I don't want to bring this up with him and so I should not dump all that shit on him in the first place, much less the first time I talk to him and when he is as burned-out as I am sure he is. Instead, I think I'll just take the opportunity to talk to him, find out how his weekend ended up, and share with him my weekend adventures. I don't expect him to want to see me tonight; in fact, I'm not sure I even want to see him tonight, given that his mood will probably be very dull and tired. I would much rather he pass out and wake up refreshed tomorrow.

These past days of being out-of-touch have me thinking. Does he really matter to me that much? I can obviously live without him without pining for him. Because I was not pining for him in that I missed him in a longing sort of way. It was more in a habitual sort of way, as if I'd gotten used to going out with him and having him be the centre of my social life. Actually, I don't know if that's true. The last couple of sentences ring a bit hollow in my brain. Am I being defensive? Am I trying to extricate myself from the situation emotionally so that I don't feel like I lost something? I'm not sure, to tell you the truth.

I really don't know how I feel about the relationship right now. Did my feelings change this weekend? Were they on hold? Are they so coloured by my feelings of rejection that I cannot accurately read them? I think I need a bit of distance before I can answer those questions. What I do know is that as soon as I have another good time with him, I'll be right back where I started, head-over-heels for him again. That's why I'd rather work this out in my mind before I see him. Can I remove the stains of this weekend before I'm blinded by the happiness of spending time with him again? I want to see this through lenses that are not blackened by this weekend's Situation but not yet rose-coloured by his presence.

Meanwhile, today I am very mellow. Mellowed by the two Vicodin I've taken already. My throat, this morning, was unbearable and I needed to make the excruciation go away. I took advantage of the numbness to get a bikini wax, as well. It is weird to move so slowly, with lidded eyes. I am not a person who has ever been attracted by downers and so I can't say I'm particularly enjoying today's slow motion pace. Thus, I have taken two superstrength diet pills to counter the effect.


Last Five Entries
Cheeryface - 30 July 2003
Belli Denuntiatio - 27 July 2003
Weird - 27 July 2003
Runty Jew - 26 July 2003
Small World - 26 July 2003

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