Wo Ich War?

23:35, 15 May 2003

I have been quite neglectful of my journal lately, I know. I�m not apologising to you; I�m apologising to myself. Although part of the reason why I haven�t updated is because I finally have a life. Yes, here on the correct side of the continent, I have a life. I have friends. I have things-to-do. I am not afraid when the dusk closes its hand around my house.

Now on to the neverending topic. Stop now if this bores you to tears. I got sad today while walking the dog with my mother. Two-pronged sadness. Piyush and this summer: two disappointments inextricably intertwined. I cannot think about them and yet I can�t not think about them. I�m not sure I can handle this level of doublethink.

I wonder if Piyush misses me. A large group of his relatives have arrived in LA by now. He�s busy shuttling them here and there, entertaining them, dining with them, etc. He does not have time to think about me. He�s lagged a bit on his calling, too. I don�t expect him to call me all the time, and yet�I am sad when he does not. How can I be expected to be calm and rational about this when it�s all terminal?

When I get to LA, his whole family will be there. His brother and friend are staying with him. He will have no time to spend with me. True, I am going to all the graduation events; he has been talking about me meeting his family for months. I�ve talked to his brother a few times on the phone�all in all, it�s obvious that I�m going to be involved in all the celebrations.

I just can�t believe that he is so good at this exercise in doublethink. How can he know it�s all going to end so soon and yet still introduce me to his whole family, involve me in everything, call me all the time and act exactly like I�m his girlfriend� wait a minute. Is he treating me like a girlfriend? Or am I just a good friend? Have I always just been a good friend that he hooks up with now and then? If I am/was his girlfriend, when did/does the switchover happen? Because there has to be a change, right?

We talk multiple times per day right now. That obviously can't continue. Do we just slam on the brakes into once-in- a-while communication? Just like that? Because it's obviously not going to keep going like it's going. He doesn't believe in long-distance relationships and, frankly, neither do I. At least not when they're indefinte separations. The way he has talked about it, we're just going to be "good friends" as soon as he boards that plane for India. When is that flight? What are his plans? I don�t really know. As far as I�ve gathered, he's going home, looking for a job there, and starting to practice again.

We don't talk about his "plan" much. I don't ask about it. I just can't. I don't want to tell him to stay. It's none of my business. He has to make a decision one way or another, and frankly, I don�t know if a two-month relationship is worth changing one�s plans over, no matter how well it is going. Regardless, I can�t write about this anymore because my mouth is doing that downturn thing, and my eyes are getting overly moist, and if I think about it much more, I'm going to leak sadness all over my keyboard.

This summer doesn�t help the teary-eyed situation either. I have such ominous foreboding about it. I am going to go certifiably insane this summer. All I have is work, which is an alone-in-front-of-a-computer-doing-research type of job. Nothing else. No one. Alone. This will not be good for me. I could wear the same outfit every day and no one would notice. I could slip and fall in my bathtub and my corpse would be unrecognisably decomposed by the time someone found me. I could go entire days without saying a single vocal word to anyone. I could eat exclusively pickled foods, I could shave my head, I could drink myself into stupor, I could do cocaine off my dining room table every damn day. And no one would know. And no one would care. And I will slowly, snakingly make my way deeper into madness. You can all watch, like some fucked up reality show, as a perfectly normal-looking girl goes off the deep end.

You think I�m being melodramatic but I am quite serious. I do not know what will happen this summer but it does not look good. I suppose you can say I could save myself from this abyss. I could throw myself into my work, or into hobbies that I�ve wanted to pursue, or books I�ve wanted to read. I can finally learn German and Italian like I�ve wanted, I can strengthen my other language skills. I can hit the gym 2x per day. I can relax.

Relax is a word I do not understand. I am supposed to lay there and do nothing? I am supposed to sit on my couch and read a book? There are so many other things I should be doing! My to-do list is full! I don�t have time to sit here and read a book! I don�t have that luxury! I can�t relax because I never run out of things I have to do. And when I get sick of doing the things I have to do, I can�t relax because I�m guilty that I�m laying there when I should be doing what�s on my list. So that�s when I am bored and that�s when I drink or do otherwise destructive activities. I may not be doing what I should be doing, but at least I�m doing something and not wasting my time laying around �relaxing.�