Old Scars Reopened

10:48, 29 May 2003

Last night sucked. I got angry last night. We argued last night. And this morning I realised just what a stupid argument it was and how ridiculous he was for starting it.

He picked me up after he got back from Orange County. We were going to go somewhere but ended up at my house with rum and diet Cokes. The first part of the night was basically him reading a magazine while I sat and smoked. Then he asked me if I remembered what he said the night of Standard Downtown. I tried to get him to repeat it but he wouldn't. We both knew I knew exactly what he was talking about: him leaving.

He started off on the "I want you to be prepared. I don't want you to be upset" thing. He was mad that I had talked to Dipank and MJ about how much I liked him and wanted to stay together with him, because apparently they had pressured him about it. "That put me off," he said, as I had feared it would. I told him I wouldn't have had to tell others about my feelings if I could tell him, and that I couldn't because he never told me jack shit about his. I think I was as close to yelling as I can be at this point, so Fishnets can be proud of me. He insisted that he had indeed told me about his feelings. Ha. He told me that he cannot have a long-distance relationship, even if he's in New York, even if I visit every month. He said this would be the case whether we'd started dating in March or in September.

"But why do you have to go and end it now?" I said. "Why not just enjoy what we have all the way to the end?" He said he was not ending it now but was just making sure I was aware it would be ending and was prepared. He said he knows me very well and he doesn't want me to have a scene like the Pig n' Whistle night. Ha. Retard. You won't have a scene like that again, don't flatter yourself. Actually, I said that to him. At that he admitted that he, too, felt bad about it and would miss me and that he "loves me as a person," which is perhaps the second-most joy-inducing phrase ever in the history of relationships, topped only by the now-cliched "it's not you, it's me."

I got really pissed. Pissed at the condescension, pissed at his lame-ass reasoning of having to bring this up now, when it was clearly not timely. I seriously considered telling him to leave, several times. But I didn't want this to be the end and I didn't think he was trying to end it. I got his present and The Letter. I actually threw them in his lap. I told him to open it but he said, "I'll do it later, I know it's a martini shaker." How he knew I don't know, but what a way to ruin a gift.

Finally it was resolved that he wasn't trying to end it, he was just "making sure you'll be all right at the end". OK, cool. Way to be a condescending bastard about it, but it's not like that was surprising. Somehow we ended up hooking up and I told him it wasn't so much the end that pissed me off, considering I'd already come to terms with that the Pig n' Whistle night, but that if the switchover to friends happened now, I wouldn't get to kiss him anymore. He assured me that that particular switchover would not happen until the end.

More hooking up, in a laughing, happy way. Shirts off. Move to bedroom. Pants off. "Do you have a condom?" I did. But frankly, I wasn't exactly feeling like breaking a year and a half chastity run (two years if you don't count a nonconsensual sexual trauma episode) on a guy who had just pissed me off. So I blew him. It isn't that which annoys me about my behaviour last night, however. I wish I hadn't begged him to stay over. Because I pretty much begged. Ew. I hate begging. He promised I could wake up next to him after his mom left (which is on 4th June).

If my diary were fiction, if this were a story of a girl, readers would fasten on the following image as a crucial symbol in the story, a telling sign. I, as a writery type, cannot stop myself from seeing it as such, and it will probably spur a poem at some point. I woke up this morning to find his Hindu luck chain on my nightstand. His luck deserted, left with me, his life now doomed by his decisions. Hahahah.

I woke him up this morning. Then I went to his place because he wanted his luck chain back; he's very superstitious about it (which makes the strength of it as a symbol that much stronger). In fact, he left me a message at 3am telling me he needed it ASAP. I think it's good that I saw him this morning, even if, again, I smoked a cigarette on the couch while he read a magazine. I said, "So let me just clarify. The whole rigamarole last night was just to 'prepare' me for the end, even though it is not ending now?" "Yeah," he said. OK, then, I thought, That was a lot of stress for nothing new. The martini shaker was on the counter, next to the opened letter. He did a really shitty job thanking me for it, which was to be expected. As for the letter, I'd said most of it last night, so there wasn't much new in it for him to comment on.

Well, now I don't really care if he's in India or New York, frankly. It's over when I leave him in New York. Actually, it's over when we leave LA, since NYC will be more partying as friends, since he'll be with his friends and I'll be with mine. Whatever. I'm over it.

He is a total girlfriend novice, which is where he loses the majority of his points. His ineptitude makes me feel like shit a lot of the time. Despite that, I am happy I had this relationship even if it has had its sour notes. All my previous issues: the Revulsion, the sex issues, etc., all disappeared with him. He was a friend as well as, and sometimes more than, a boyfriend. He showed me what can be and some of what should be. With Josh and Scott, I put a lot of the blame on myself for the anxieties and stress I felt in the relationships. I thought, because they were nice guys and good boyfriends, that the problem must be mine. I didn't realise they just weren't good relationships. Now, with Piyush, I've seen a glimpse of what a good relationship can be. And so now I have a standard to which I can compare new relationships. And I have a guy to kiss for another two weeks.