Paralysis

16:25, 02 April 2003

Ok, Therapist. This is why I drink: I just went downstairs to the little pre-party before the actual party. I promised my therapist and myself that I would not have anything to drink until I got to the actual party. I couldn't find Piyush so I had to find people to talk to. I drink because the social anxiety of joining conversing groups, starting conversations, having conversations and ending conversations is just overwhelming. I can't stop thinking about how awkward it is, how everyone's mouths are moving but no one is saying anything of substance.

Smalltalk blows; or perhaps I blow at it. How do people do this? I know not every guest at a party is churning with hellish panic inside! How does one become charming? How does one smoothly mingle in a party? How does one not feel like a total idiot, an unpopular hag, a drain on everyone else's revelry? How does one not feel rude inserting oneself in a circle of conversing people?

How do people who don't drink ever meet other people? I would never talk to anyone at a party if I didn't have a few drinks in me. I just can't do it. I'm paralysed with fear and insecurity.

Hence, I'm going to pop some of my cocaine-like diet pills for a mood-enhancing pep and then I'm going to drink. Slowly, mind you-- but I'm going to drink. I never deluded myself into thinking I was going to work this party sober, but I did think I'd last more than 10 minutes of the pre-party. I am a festive failure.

Hook, Line and Sinker

15:38, 02 April 2003

So last night, after the supertrauma, I was online chatting with Piyush. Chatting is so dangerous, especially when it's late-night and you have a mild crush on the guy at the other end of the DSL line. I kept myself in check, though, as I was ubercognizant of that fact.

Hanging out with him this weekend, I got a subtle feeling he might be into me, despite the fact that we were out with a big group and my judgement was severely impaired. Our little chat session validated my hunch. First he asked me to have lunch with him today. Then he asked me out to drinks for next week, when I return from the East coast. Hee hee hee, I thought, merrily dancing a little jig in my pajamas and dorky glasses.

Of course, truth came with the dawn, and I was quite apprehensive about our lunching today. Ewww, I thought. I totally don't like him and now I've lead him on. Violently, I shoved the thoughts into an overflowing wastebasket of toxic thoughts in the back of my mind.

I didn't let myself think about it at all, all the way up to lunch time. And obviously, when we did meet, it was totally normal and he was just as cute as before. Plus, Manbir came with us, too, and so the potential for "do you like me? do I like you?" awkwardness was diffused.

T-20 minutes until the law school binge-drinking fest. Open bar, free food, drunk faculty. Honestly, law school fucking rocks sometimes. Now remember: I'm not to get shit-faced tonight because I'm guessing it really would not be in my best interest to pass out drooling in the corner in front of my classmates, administration and faculty.

Now I'm going to go find Piyush so we can go drink beer for an hour before he has to leave for Orange County. I don't know where I want this crush to go. Nowhere, I don't think. Just a nice, confidence-boosting, a-cute-guy-likes-me crush. I don't think I want him to kiss me. But then again, I never want anyone to kiss me.

The Remains of the Day

12:30, 02 April 2003

Earlier today I made a little plan for the rest of the day. It was: "this is what I want the rest of my day to look like: eat chickpea salad for lunch, go to class, go to gym (where I must do 45 minutes of vigorous effort on the elliptical), go home to straighten up my disaster-area of an apartment, read Camus, go on date."

I was doing great until after the gym part. Instead of going home I went to Lee-Ann's. I had half a joint and then realised I had to call Will about our date tonight. Fuuuuck, I thought, because Will's number was in my email and there's no email at Lee-Ann's.

I got home and called Will. Three sentences into our conversation, I knew there was no way I would ever go on a date with him. a) He sounded kind of stupid. b) He sounded gay. c) He kept on rambling to the point where I was standing in my living room on the phone, making those "come on, come on, wrap it up" hand motions in the air.

I'm so creative. I told him I was at a law school function and I'd just ducked out to call him. I told him I didn't think tonight would work because I wasn't sure how long I'd be stuck at the law school thing. I told him I'd call him this weekend, but we all know that's not going to happen. I escape again!

So I jump back in my car and race back to Lee-Ann's, thinking that we can now have a night of smoking weed, eating and watching TV. I try to call Lee-Ann on my way over to tell her I'm on my way, but there's no answer. I didn't find that weird, because they often don't answer the phones over there.

I get there, walk in and say "Lee-Ann?" No answer. I walk down the hallway. "Lee-Ann?" The door to Greg's room is closed, the light shining under the door. "Lee-Ann?" "One second!" comes the frantic reply from behind the closed door.

My brain explodes. Holy shit. Holy shit. They were having sex! That is so fucking disgusting! I am so embarrased! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Mortification. Should I just leave now? I want to disappear. I can't believe they were having sex. Ewww ewww ewww.

Lee-Ann comes out. I can't even look at her. I can't talk to her. I'm so mortified and disgusted that I just leave. The whole drive home I was in shock. I mean, it's not like I thought they didn't have sex, but being confronted with it so bluntly is way more than I can handle. Way more. Especially since I find him so gross and the image of him having sex is just so rank... I really don't know how I'm going to look at her tomorrow. This has the potential to throw me completely off whack with her for at least a week. Probably more.