Giddy

17:19, 10 April 2003

I wish I would not be so giddy over this guy. This goofy-ass smile is such a bad sign. "Red sky in morning..." The trippy part is that all the bad happens in my head, like a short circuit. When I get dopey-smiley like this (you know, stuff like replaying his voicemails again and again, etc.), it means I'm really starting to like the guy, in my head. This, in turn, freaks me out as much as if I had professed my undying love to him. I basically get (emotional) intimacy-phobic without actually getting more emotionally intimate with the guy at all! I get so nervous about the fact that I like him, in my head, that I get defensive and Revolted without any action on his part. It's all in my head! How fucked up is that? Sigh.

But I am extrasmiley today because of him, so fuck it. I didn't see him at school, but I was supposed to call him after class to see what was up with dim sum. I didn't know till after I called him that he'd called whilst I was at the gym, "to say hi and see how my day was going." Cue giddy smile. Don't you love it when he calls first?

We're not going to dim sum tonight for reasons I could not decipher. I can't understand half the shit he says on the phone because of his accent, so I just kind of laugh or try to play along. Although sometimes he asks a question and I have to be like: "What was that?" He probably thinks I'm hard of hearing! Anyway, he started having a real phone conversation with me, as opposed to one of those to-the-point calls that give the time you're meeting and where, etc. He's all: "So, how's your day going?" "How are you feeling?" "Did you make it to class?" "What have you been up to this afternoon?" etc. etc. It was a boyfriend conversation. Or maybe a friend conversation? I'm still not sure about his intentions.

Anyway, he asked: "Are you going to school tomorrow?" "No," I said (understanding the question without repetition!), "I don't have class on Fridays." "OK," he said, "I'm taking you to lunch tomorrow." Curry! He's taking me to curry! Whee! Cue little-girl giggling and hand-clapping. Christ. I am so retarded. Especially since you know I'm going to be reversing this whole mood in, oh..., I give it a month, max. Maybe less.

So now the expanse of the afternoon stretches across Los Angeles and wraps its choking fingers around my neck. As soon as I hung up with Piyush and realised my night was free, I felt a tightness in my chest. Free time is such anxiety. Why? It is a chance to get my life in gear, organize my shit, etc. I can dance around my living room naked with my floormop. I can read old journal entries and self-centeredly rummage through my dusty mental storage heaps. Or, you know, I could do some homework... nah... no class tomorrow. Forget that.

Mixed Messages

13:34, 10 April 2003

Fuuuuuuck. I missed French. How did that happen? Oh, yeah. I got home drunk at 3:30am. Ha. I got home drunk but with memory intact, unkissed, at 3:30am.

Piyush picked me up and I was surprisingly cool about the whole thing. Ok, ok, two diet pills and half a bottle of wine didn't hurt. But still, I was OK with it even before, I think. I got really excited after seeing Therapist, since she made me think it would all be OK, if I just didn't flirt so hard. It was surprisingly hard NOT to wear a skirt and be in full-on flirt mode. I didn't wear a skirt, but the no-flirt rule lasted about two seconds.

So he picked me up and we went to the downtown. Two seconds in the car and pretty much knew I wouldn't have a problem kissing him. Goddammit alcohol! Damn you to hell! I didn't ask him the questions I was supposed to. I just couldn't because I was too embarrassed that I don't know anything about India at all. What if I fucked up and totally insulted him by asking a dumbass question? So I just talked about little things with him and smelled how wonderful he smelled and smiled out the window.

We got to the party and I felt so welcome because all these people were giving me hugs and seemed excited that I'd come. Actually, when Piyush and I walked in people were like: "There's the happy couple!" Huh? When did that happen? But I was buzzed and hyped up and so I didn't mind.

I had two drinks. The whole time at the bar. Can you believe it?!? Man, I was so proud of myself. I was sober enough to be coherent and witty and observant the whole night. But drunk enough that whenever Piyush and I sat next to each other (which was much of the night) we always were leaning an elbow casually on the other's knee, like "Oh, I have nowhere else to put my elbow!" ahahaha. Suave, right? At least it was mutual. It started with the casual hand on the knee while making a point during conversation, etc. and advanced from there. Hand on the small of the back when walking through the crowd. All expenses paid. All doors held open. Chivalry is not dead and hallelujah for that.

Some of us went back to Piyush's for the after-party, stopping at In n' Out on the way back. At his place, I had half a drink there, I think. Still very much coherent and unstupid. It hit 03:15. He drove me home. I was surprised he didn't tell me I could sleep there, but it would have been a really bad idea and I was glad. He got out of the car at my place. Hug, kiss on each cheek. No attempt to kiss me. I was surprised, to say the least.

Actually, I was thrown. If he didn't kiss me, does he even like me like that? Is he just friends with me? Friends don't put hands on the small of each other's backs. OK, maybe, if he was raised to be really chivalrous or something. I don't know how to gauge it now. All I know is sexual attraction; it's my only skill set. I didn't say I wanted him to kiss me--well, OK, I did last night, but that was me being drunk and in a good mood--and I would have been, shall we say, weirded out by it this morning. All shy and spastic and afraid to pass him in the hallway, you know. But now that he didn't kiss me, I'm confused. It's like all the signals were there and then� nothing. Like all the signs that a storm is coming and then� no storm.

I found out last night that he's not leaving in June. He's trying to stay here this summer. Do you think he wants to start something with me and doesn't want to move to fast? Is there some cultural thing I am not aware of that's going on? I'm so freaking confused. He was on a rampage of invites last night, too. I mean, I know people invite and promise and plan all this shit when they're drunk, only to forget/not act on it when sober. But really, this was excessive. Dim sum tonight with him and some others. Party Friday (which I can't go to because of my superexciting debauchery with Limes!). Clubbing Saturday. Taking me partying in NYC when we both happen to be there after exams. Scuba lessons this summer. "You must come to India--it would be so much fun." "Do you like hiking? You should come hiking with us in Nepal." Etc. etc. I mean, really. That is a lot of inviting. Is any of it real? At least I think dim sum is, since I'm supposed to call him after class today.

I'm still disappointed that I didn't fulfill my assignment to ask him questions and to get to know him better. I gleaned a bunch from conversation, though! Does that count? Here's what I know about him:
- comes from wealthy family in India (don't know where, though)
- has spent considerable time in US because brother, some family, many friends live here
- got law degree in Cardiff, Wales
- practiced in India before coming here for his LLM (I don't know how old he is, though)
- he likes hiking and skydiving
- he dresses well, has a neat apt. (and cleaning person), smells yummy
- sleeps late when he's hungover and then orders pizza first thing
- thinks he's gained weight here in US (he is pretty skinny and I seriously doubt he has any fat on him at all--he would probably never date me if I were fat--I wonder if he weighs more than me? I hope so. He's 6'4")
- doesn't eat beef for religious reasons (but is currently not eating any meat because he's "cleansing" himself. Weird.)
So that's pretty good, right? So far there's nothing I've heard that's a deal breaker. Kissing him doesn't seem so bad anymore. But wait� I should see how I feel sober.

See, I'm kinda thinking I might not drink before he comes to get me for dinner tonight. Of course I'll take a diet pill, which has mood-enhancing effects, but maybe I won't drink any wine. No promises, though, of course. I'm flipping the flapjack of the idea in my head, anyway, and that's progress of sorts.

I'm not going to Evidence today. Again. To quote R. Kelly, who has been gallivanting through my head the whole day: "It's the freakin' weekend, baby, gonna have me some fun!"