Aio

15:46, 14 April 2003

Piyush loves me, this I know,
For my cell phone tells me so.
A nap I took, and slept so sound
and when I woke, missed calls I found.

Ha ha ha. I passed out like a rock for an hour. I woke and found myself happy to see he'd called; I returned the calls right away, light-hearted. He was on his way home, having skipped his 16:00 class, and he admitted he'd stopped for ice cream on the way home, inspired by my apparent love of ice cream. That's my boy: Welcome to my world, welcome to my world, welcome to my woooorld of sloth. (Well, I certainly am musical today!)

We chatted for a bit, a conversation full of laughter and free of anxiety. He wants to have lunch with me tomorrow at school, which made me smile as I accepted the invitation. He told me he'd call me later today, to which I unthinkingly replied: "Why?" (Hello? Brain? Can we run some of this shit through the Ego sector instead of just giving the Id a straight shot to the mouth?) What I meant was, why would he call me again tonight if he'd already called me this afternoon and we had a date for tomorrow? But, carpe occasio, I may try to wrangle myself an invitation to come over and avail myself of his television set.

Flapjack

10:14, 14 April 2003

I was here, merrily tip-tap-typing away in the law school computer lab when Marc walks in and sits down next to me. Cool, whatever: idle chit-chat ensues for a few moments. Then Piyush walks into the lab; I'm like: Fuuuuuuuuck. I make no eye contact and act like I'm doing something reallysupermuch important on my computer. During this time, I'm thinking about how I cannot completly avoid saying hi and the attendant logistical concerns, but I'm also thinking that I don't want him to leave yet because I do want the chance to say hi... I'm just worried about it being awkward and I don't want Marc to know about Saturday night or us studying on Sunday. (Although he probably does know already...) Anxiety is such that I can't even think of a website to type into the browser... so I'm just sitting there like an idiot, trying to look busy but instead staring at the law school home page. Dork.

After about five minutes, Marc, who was sitting between Piyush and I, got up to leave. Piyush and I said hi, as if neither of us had noticed the other before then. Ha! Chit-chat, chit-chat, whatever. Jokes about how I'm done with class and he has a long day and I'm tired and rain sucks, etc. etc. Then I got up to leave, and walking past him laid my hand on his shoulder and said "see ya later." He squeezed my leg as I walked past. The gesture made me melt a little bit, so that I was half-smiling as I left the room.Hello, Ms. Yo-Yo? Can you fucking figure out whether you are going to be gushy or grossed out about this guy?

Divestment

06:32, 14 April 2003

Well, last night turned out all right afterall. Kristen called me and that sort of snapped me out of my funk. Although I wished she were in LA so we could hang out. I was lonely and needed a good friend.

Speaking of friends, another friend correctly noted that Lee-Ann and I are not as close as we once were. I took stock of the relationship and realised that I can't try to make it something it is not. I feel a lot of pressure to be good friends with Lee-Ann since she's my only friend in Los Angeles. But I realise now that I should not "invest" so much in our friendship. I don't get that much out of it, frankly. We don't talk about anything personal or share our joys and sorrows that much. Basically, we sit next to each other in French class and I go over there to smoke and watch TV from time to time. We never go out. She never comes over to my place.

None of which forms the basis for a good friendship. And so I've backed away a bit. I've been able to do that because of all the time I've spent with the LLMs lately. I didn't call Lee-Ann at all this weekend because I was busy and having fun without her. I called her last night in my wallowing moments, but she never called back. Figures.

Kristen let me tell her about today's Piyush-related mood swings. Talking to her helped me figure out that I think today's Revulsion was sort of the pendulum swinging downwards from the Pillsbury doughboy nonsense. I told you all that giggly blushing shit was a bad sign. It's much better for me to be calmly happy about something rather than squealing and jumping for joy. If I'm too gleeful, I scare the shit out of myself because I'm obviously starting to care, which means I can be hurt if things don't go swimmingly. And such threats are one type of Revulsion trigger. So maybe today's feelings have racheted me down a few notches. Because I don't feel very revolted anymore, at least not right this second. But you never know which way the wind is going to blow, do you? I'm such an enigma.

Talking to Kristen made me feel much better and so I set to work getting my shit together. This entailed going through the pile of non-together shit on my dining table, filing what needed to be filed, entering stuff in my calendar, etc. etc. How the hell did I do it, though? Yesterday I got two hours of sleep from 6 to 8 in the morning. I worked out. And I was up until 22:30. How the hell does that work?