Fading Friends

10:12, 29 April 2003

Just took my French oral exam. Piece of g�teau, I tell you. Hahaha. Called Piyush every fifteen minutes until his lazy ass got out of bed. He's coming to the library to study with me even though he doesn't have class until 17:00.

For some reason, the less sleep I get, the better mood I'm in. (I'm going to have to mainline caffeine today, though, since I forgot my magic diet pills at home. Idiot.) This morning was a sing-at-the-top-of-my-lungs day on the way to school. I got in my car, switched on the radio and it was the opening notes of The Cars "I think you're just what I needed." I love that song and it's exactly how I feel about Piyush. I was seriously rockin' out and didn't give a shit what anyone else on San Vicente Blvd. thought of me.

At French, I saw Lee-Ann. I haven't hung out with her in a month, probably. Ever since I started up with Piyush. She doesn't even know about him and I don't want to tell her. Because I don't feel like sharing my life with her any more. We're still friends in class, of course, but I'm over her. She doesn't call; I don't call. She invited me over to smoke out on Friday, and frankly, I can think of better ways to spend my time.

Interesting how friendships fade away... I made a conscious choice with this one though, much as I did during senior year of college when I basically had a Stalinistic purge of my friendship roster. Or like when you pick the dead leaves off a plant. Senior year, the only ones left were Kristen, Amy and Lindsay, sort of. I was backing off Lindsay by then, to tell you the truth. Amy drifted away into a boy despite my attempts to keep contact. And only Kristen remains. And here in LA... Piyush is my best friend right now, which is sort of sad. I must must must find friends. How the heck does one do that? Go pick up on a girl in the bookstore? Umm... no.

Rebellion

07:34, 29 April 2003

Where have I been? Scurrying about, with no real deep thoughts pressing against the insides of my skull, buzzing around with a desperate futility, hitting the walls like a fly trapped inside that bumps repeatedly up against the closed windows. Nope, none of those thoughts, really.

I talked to Piyush about the alcohol problem. He didn't really get what I was saying about the rebellion issue--I do see, however, how it's a fine distinction and a weird character trait that he's not expected to anticipate. Bottom line, he still wants to help and he's glad I recognise the faith he has in me.

Yesterday, I spent some time thinking about this rebellious streak reasoning for my attempted bucking of his efforts to curb my drinking. I am not a rebellious person. I was such a good kid and teenager that I didn't even have any rules put on me, to tell you the truth. I always did my homework because I liked being smart. I wasn't allowed TV or candy and junk food, and it's true that I did chafe under that rule now and then, but since I'd never had those things, I never grew to like them much and still can resist them without effort today. I never had rules prohibiting alcohol and cigarettes because it never occurred to me to try them. I had no curfew because I didn't even go out. So it seems I have very little experience with people telling me what to do--giving me rules to follow. My rebellious streak never got a chance to show itself! But now I know it's there and I can act accordingly.

Yesterday after class I hit up Old Navy for some $3.50 flip flops. Damn: great bargain-hunter purchase! I also bought some too-short-for-me, weirdly fitting jeans for $22 because I have no pants that fit and I sorely need to go shopping. Hopefully Mom will bankroll that when I get back to CT.

Last night was cute, by the way. I met him at the library at 19:00, we studied for about an hour and then we were both famished and bored. He suggested we go get dinner and then resume studying at his place. This was the first time he'd invited me back to his place to study. Visions of couch cuddling and not-really-studying danced in my head, so of course I agreed. First, we went to Marina del Rey to eat at a beachside cafe. We each had a glass of wine at dinner... (look! moderation!). Then we went for a walk on the cool, dark sands of the beach. Hugged and looked up at the stars. Kissed for a moment, initiated by me, broken by him; this worried me. I took his hand in the car on the way home, but I was pensive, blowing cigarette smoke out the window and watching the neon slide by. He asked me what I was thinking, but I didn't think he needed to know so I lied.

Back at his house the TV somehow got turned on and we watched Friends, cuddled up against each other. We kissed; we kissed several times all night. Finally we got down to studying at midnight and worked for an hour. Then the TV miraculously turned on again and we were back on the couch, cuddling and kissing intermittently. I was, of course, smiling inside.

I got home at 3, and went to bed, wishing I was curled up to him rather than Bj�rn, my stuffed polar bear. Sorry, Bj�rn, you're just not that good a kisser because fur always gets in my mouth...