His Turn

13:34, 21 May 2003

The case is going OK, I guess. I feel very inefficient, like I'm doing all the wrong things, or taking too long, or whatever. It's not boring, at least, so I'm not fighting it every step of the way. It's just huge. So overwhelming. Today I finished one third of the argument for one quarter of the brief I'm supposed to have by Friday. Sweet. I hope to finish the first quarter of the brief today.

I'd rather talk about Piyush, since I cry about him twice a day, on average, as compared to the once-per-day that I cry about my overwhelming job. I'm afraid Piyush is pulling away. On Monday night we were all getting very drunk at the Standard downtown for Saurab's birthday. When Piyush said goodbye to me at the end of the night, he was all sad about the ending of our relationship. Recently his "plan" has changed moment to moment. I never ask him about it, as we know, but I overhear him talking about it to various people and now, alternately, it has been going back to India to practice, taking an internship in Jersey City, NJ (don't ask me why NJ!) if he gets it, coming back this fall to study for and take the NYC bar in February, etc. But nothing is definite and the other night I said, "Well, what's up with NJ? You're telling everyone about that..." and he said, "I'm trying, I'm trying." Then he starts up with all this shit about how he wants me to be happy with a great guy after he leaves, and how he wants me to have such a good life, and I said, "Stop talking like we're never going to speak to each other again!" I know he was just drunk and extremist and overemotional, like I was that ill-fated night at the Pig n' Whistle. But still, I don't want him to pull away now, in a defensive move. Why start the pain early? I said as much to him Monday night, anyway, so we'll see.

I saw him yesterday afternoon when he stopped by school (where I was working) to pick something up. I called him later in the day, twice, and he never called me back. I find that saddening and distressing and I keep having to tell myself that it's just because he's busy. That's what it is, right? I mean, yesterday after I saw him he had to drive Siddarth to LAX then pick up his relatives in Orange County and deposit them at their LA hotel. Then today he has to take his relatives to LAX. Only his brother will be left now, so I hope he'll be less stressed and might have time to call his damn girlfriend so she can stop crying all day.

Everything makes me think of him. This library, the benches outside the law school where we'd take cigarette breaks from studying, cigarettes in general make me think of him. Bacardi ads make me think of him, Taco Bell makes me think of him, the National exit on the 10 freeway makes me think of him. My couch makes me think of him, diet Coke makes me think of him, my CD case makes me think of him. I can't listen to anything but classical music on the radio in my car because the insane skill I have with analogies makes me able to apply almost any lyrics to some aspect of being sad about Piyush. Plus, any song we've ever sung along to on the radio reminds me of him, too, of course.

I wish I could just be happy with what we have right now, but this whole situation with his visiting family stressing him out and taking up all his time and attention is not helping. I wonder if he wishes he could spend more time with me? Because all I want to do is be in his presence. We have so little time left; I just want to spend as much of it as possible with him. I'm afraid to say so, though, because I don't want to stress him out any more by being one more person demanding something from him. I'm even afraid to call him today because I called twice yesterday and I don't want to annoy him by being too needy and pestering him.

Goddammit. How many times can I cry today? Because now I'm crying again. In the computer lab in the library. I'd better get back to work. Nothing stops tears like writing the section of your brief arguing that it was futile for the plaintiff to exhaust all available administrative remedies since he sought monetary damages, which was not one of the remedies offered by the prison grievance system. Whoo hoo!

(Five seconds after I hit the button to submit this entry)

I caved. I called his house and just then, got an incoming call. From him. He's at the Grove with his brother and I should come meet them. Oh, and I haven't forgotten that we're going to Central CA tomorrow to go to his friend's beach house, right? Shit, you guys. How do I reconcile Piyush and my job? Because you know where my priorities are, mentally. Not where they should be, let's leave it at that.

I think I may need to stay up all night tonight to finish this up. And still, that may not be enough time. Of course, I could always do something drastic like finish it up at the beach house and drive back to LA Friday night to turn it in. Which you shouldn't put past me either.