A Stand-Up Guy

12:44, 07 June 2003

My cellphone was silent last night, because he didn't call. We had plans, albeit tentative ones, but he was supposed to call, regardless. And I'm torn about how to deal with this totally incourteous behaviour.

I was afraid to call him all afternoon yesterday. Afraid because I just knew he'd bail out on me, somehow. The only thing I can be certain of with that boy is that he will disappoint me. When we finally spoke, he told me he had an impromptu cocktail hour/dinner with a downtown law firm he's been trying to get a job with. Funny, I didn't know he was considering jobs in LA... Anyway, so he was getting ready to go to that.

Giving him credit for the type of Machiavellian, multivalent thinking of which I know he is not capable, I thought perhaps this was his way of trying to back out of hanging out together. So I opened the door for him: "Oh, OK, so that's your whole night, then?" He declined to walk out the door: "No, no, the dinner is at 8 so I can't imagine I'd be done later than 10:30. I'll call you when I'm done and maybe we can meet up."

Right, OK. To most normal Homo sapiens, this means "I will call you when I'm done," which is an absolute statement, and "maybe we can meet up," which is a conditional statement dependent on future timing and mood states. But somehow, to Piyush, the first statement devolved into "I will not call you tonight," and the second statement was therefore moot.

Honestly, that was an ass move on his part. How difficult would it be to call and say "Hey, I'm not up to it," or "it's going a bit later than I expected," or "I met this hot chick that I'm going to take home instead of meeting up with you." But no. No call. And I am torn about how I'm going to deal with this.

If he was not leaving and our relationship was continuing, I would call him out on his lack of manners. As in: "That was an ass move. Next time, just call and say what's up, either way, so I can know what's going on." However, he is leaving and our relationship is fucked up. In light of the current scenario, there are two ways I could take it. If I wasn't a prideful beast, I would just call him and say, "Hey, what happened last night?" and get the scoop, not mentioning his lack of manners. But I am prideful and desperate and so, while I want to talk to him and arrange another time to hang out, I don't want to say anything that will rock the boat and turn him off hanging out with me even more. But simultaneously, I don't want to call his fucking ass because he just did me wrong and it's on him to call and explain his damn self.

I don't even fucking know what is going on. Why do I even care about him any more? There's nothing more I can do, right? I mean, if he wants to fuck this over totally and never talk to me again, that's his perogative, isn't it. Why am I forcing this? Why am I trying to keep us going as friends when he's obviously not even interested? I'm not sure why. I wish I could remove him completely from my brain as if he had never happened. I want the lessons I gained from him and nothing else. I swear, right now what I'm doing is the equivalent of walking around holding a slimy old banana peel in the hopes that it will become a ripe fruit again. Toss it, girl, just toss it.

For this is wisdom--to love and live,
To take what fate or the gods may give,
To ask no question, to make no prayer,
To kiss the lips and caress the hair,
Speed passion's ebb as we greet its flow,
To have and to hold, and, in time--let go.
(Ella Wheeler Wilcox)