Inertia

23:04, 16 June 2003

I could tell you about my weekend, which was a jazzy, spicy, hazy Friday and a Chuck Shaw with a twist of Lime Saturday and a smoke-out/pig-out Sunday at Lee-Ann's. I could tell you about work today, which was an excruciating exercise of dragging my feet while doing the world's driest assignment, which also happens to be three working days overdue. I could tell you my thoughts on going to New York tomorrow and my predictions on the Piyush scenario there. But I will not. I am high and so there are some windmills I just can't tilt at tonight.

Instead, I will talk about my wobbly day. A wobbly day is one where the angel and the devil on your shoulders are whispering at pretty much the same volume, leaving you stuck in the middle, only mildly motivated to either extreme. Today, for example, I spent the afternoon wobbling about getting a brownie sundae. The "just do it" voice was kind of unconvincing, and it wasn't really the "you'll regret it" voice that stopped me from going. It was an inertia. Tugged weakly in each direction, I just swayed gently back and forth, never seizing on anything.

Similar wobbles happened continuously througout the day. I wobbled about buying cigarettes (bought them), whether I wanted to finish my assignment meticulously or lazily (lazily), going to the gym (went), smoking a joint (smoked it), having a glass of wine (didn't), ordering pizza (didn't), having some gin in my Crystal Light (didn't) and finally, smoking another joint (did).

I have had a flat affect to match the vague disatisfaction in my head. I'm not quite sure what is wrong, but I've been... strange today. I didn't want to update earlier today, even though I had things to write about. Work was the overly slow finishing up of a horrid assignment, so that didn't lighten me up. Even on the way home from work I was flat. Driving home, not even hearing the music, so zoned out that I missed a green arrow and pissed off all the drivers behind me. I went to the gym and then went home.

Here at home I pottered around for a bit. Smoked a joint. My boss called to talk about my next assignment. I smoked half another joint. I considered ordering a pizza. I considered bed to be a more instant gratification. And so that's where I'm going now. After I smoke the other half of that joint.