M�lange

15:38, 17 June 2003

Ahhhh.... I just got home to the most sparkling clean apartment! The maids were here this morning and I tell you, one small pleasure in my life is stepping into a spotless apartment that I did not clean. I hate to clean yet I like cleanliness. And my apartment is so so so lovely right now.

Tonight I leave for New York. I am a m�lange of emotions about this weekend: excitement, relief and pre-emptive disappointment. Of course I am excited because any journey is exciting. Any break in the routine is exciting. And for me, any airplane ride is exciting. Strangely, I love them so. (Sorry Johanna.) I stand in the airport and look up at the departures board and I enjoy my little recurring travel fantasy: the unlimited ticket. All I'd have to do is pick any destination on the board and my unlimited ticket gets me there. Oh, there are so many places to go! Will I ever get to see them all? And then I lower my eyes back to reality and go stock up on brain-rotting reading material for the flight.

The prospect of this weekend makes me feel relieved because I get to return to my glorious East coast, which is like relaxing all my muscles and letting out a deep breath of air. I belong on the East coast and I am reminded of that fact every time I visit. I drive up the historic Merritt Parkway to my lovely little country town, past all the lovely colonial houses, all the way to the edge of town where there is no cellular service... and there I see my lovely dog and sleep in my lovely bed and bask in a hot New England countryside summer. Going home always recharges me. Despite the stress of parental interactions, there is something about being immersed in smells and sights and sounds of such familiarity that is calming and rejuvenating.

Finally, I am pre-emptively disappointed in Piyush because I am quite sure he will not want to hang out with me this weekend, which is ludicrous considering he will have so much free time while he is there. Doubly ludicrous since he's actually told me more than once how much free time he will have and that we will hang out. More on that after the chronological update.

-- Last sighting: Friday @ library.
-- Subsequent email communications over the weekend (paraphrased):
A to P: I noticed your grades got posted. Hope you did OK!
P to A: I got a B. We didn't get to hang out here but NYC for sure. I'll have all the time in the world in NY. What number will you be at while you're there?
-- Last telephone conversation: Monday afternoon (paraphrased)
A: Are you leaving tomorrow or Wednesday?
P: Tomorrow, same time as you.
A: Oh, OK, otherwise I was going to ask for a ride to the airport.
P: Are you going to be on this number in NY?
A: Yeah. What's your plan, anyway?
P: I have interviews on Friday but otherwise I'm pretty free. We'll hang out this weekend.

So that is twice he has said that we will hang out. And it disappoints me that we most likely will not. What bothers me is not so much that I am dying to hang out with him per se (actually, I'm not convinced it would be very much fun at all, given all the tension and weirdness that he has so kindly injected into the entire situation), but rather that his not wanting to hang out makes me feel like I'm not fun to hang out with. What happened to all that time we used to spend together? Am I not fun anymore? We used to spend every day together and talk on the phone multiple times per day and have dinner and get drunk and go out and now... am I suddenly boring or annoying or less fun? If it was so nice to hang out with me then, why would it not be that way now? I'm not trying to be his girlfriend. But why am I all of a sudden not even good enough to be a friend? That's what bothers me.

I have plenty to do in NY, though, so it's not like I need him anyway. New York is my place, bitch. Step back. My people are here and they want to hang out with me. Kristen wants to go to jazz with me. Ecstasia wants to go to the Swedish Midsummer Fest with me. Mae wants to have brunch. And, oh yeah, if I don't have any other plans on Saturday, maybe I'll show up at that party I'm supposed to go to with you this weekend, Piyush. Remember? The party that is the actual reason I planned on going to New York this weekend? The party that was to be the centerpiece of "our" trip to New York rather than the only connection between us while we both "happen" to be in New York? Yeah, that party. Eh, what the fuck. You know I'll show up, if only to show you up.